You do not think this is hot?
No.
You didn't turn your phone off?
Hello? Lance?
What? Who the hell's that?
Who the hell's this?!
Right.
A girl. I don't know any girls.
I got it.
I'll just take it off. No, no, keep it on.
In fact, you can put everything back on.
I think we've had quite enough for today.
"Religious jokes"
Good Lord.
Giggle with God.
Well, I never.
Is everything all right, Vicar?
It's just so quiet, Grace.
Lovely, isn't it?
Have a good afternoon. And you.
Very good.
Are you gonna read the Bible tonight?
Is your dad gonna make you pray?
Shut up. Does he make you pray to baby Jesus?
Bet you're not gonna get hurt. Just leave me alone.
Yeah, run to granny, you prat!
Are you all right? Yeah.
I sat next to him making fart noises.
The teacher turned around.
I got in so much trouble...
You know, I was wondering...
...if you had a magic word, what would it be?
I mean, what's your favorite word?
My favorite word?
Broccoli. Broccoli?
Yeah, well, I dunno. Why not.
It's all right, Petey, it's all right.
You just close your eyes.
Keep them closed.
Now say the magic word.
Broccoli.
Now open them. Look at this. Look at this.
And see what happens.
Look, there's God boy! It's all right.
You're dead, God boy! Yeah, you're dead!
My brakes aren't working! I can't stop!
Oh my... who's that? It's Billy Martin.
Well, good old broccoli.
Shall we have some for supper?
Hi, Mum. Could we get a divorce?"
You know, flour can be so sensual.
In heaven, it took me three months to find a priest to do the wedding...
...how long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!
Yeah, I like that, it's good.
Gloria, you're back. This is Mark...
...David.
Grant. Grant.
Now, this is a good one. Holly. Honey, come and listen to this.
Sit down.
So, this Vicar is stopped for speeding...
...and the policeman smells alcohol...
...and sees an empty bottle of wine on the passenger side floor...
...and he says Have you been drinking, Reverend?"
And the Vicar says, all innocent like...
...and the Vicar says, all innocent, like...
...Just water, officer."
Looking at the bottle, the policeman says That looks like wine to me."
Wine? Cries the Vicar. God Lord, he's done it again!
Yeah, that's funny. Yes, it is quite funny, isn't it?
Mummy! Mummy!
Billy Martin came after me, but Grace was there
...and all I said was 'broccoli' and now he's dead!
Oh, my, aren't you a busy bee.
Oh, Grace, this is Grant.
Hi.
Oh, is it Halloween?
Jokes, Grace. And lots of them. Billy Martin's dead!
Well done, you.
Billy Martin is dead!
Isn't this nice?
Could we have a word?
Billy Martin's dead? Oh, good Lord, no.
No, he's just unconscious, if I'm any judge.
But please don't tell Petey, cos he's so excited.
Grace, can you look at the pie?
Yes, of course, dear.
I've fucked up big time.
I don't think she should use that language, dear, I really don't.
Let me get this straight.
My son's rid of his bullies...
...my husband has become a comedian...
...and my nymphomaniac daughter has discovered cookery.
What's going on? Hmm?
Ooh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Did I wake you? No, not at all.
Did I disturb you and Walter?
Chance would be a fine thing.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
You know, men do sometimes lose their way, dear.
I mean, Walter is a sweet soul, but he's a bit...
...you know, slow-witted, like the rest of them.
I'm sure he'll find his way back to you in the end.
So you were married too?
Yes, I was, a long time ago.
And did he lose his way?
With a little help from another woman.
Completely lost his head over her.
Do you have a couple of minutes?
You sit down. I've got something to show you.
Here it is.
There.
Look. That's me when I was six.
Oh, sweet.
I was a live-wire. Was?
Here he is That's him.
What was his name?
Arthur.
He's very dapper.
I was a fool for a handsome fella.
I was young, I was very young. Too young.
And then he...
...he dabbled.
And that was that.
Walter only dabbles with God nowadays.
In that case, he'll come back to you.
God would never stand in the way of such a beautiful young woman.
Will you find your way back to me?
Well?
Could you?
Clarence!
Is that you?
Clarence?
Oh my God. Clarence!
Do you think he's found that bloody dog yet?
Old Mr. Brown's on holiday.
Is he? Where's he gone?
I think he said down under.
Hi.
So...
I have been up every night thinking... if we
...only ever get one chance at true happiness in our entire lives, Gloria...
...that nobody should ever die without having found it.
I'm not alone. What?
I'm not alone.
So, talked to my guy, and Mexico is on.
And I got a date Tomorrow.
What?!
I told you, when I move fast...
Oh, it's too fast, change it.
I can't, the tickets are booked. Well, change the tickets.
Honey, they're booked. You can't change them?
Gloria...
...this is everything we've been dreaming of.
And the hotel? Hotel's perfect.
On the beach, like you said?
Of course, it's... I mean, walking distance, I mean, seconds...
The best hotels are on the beach, Lance.
Gloria, this is so much better than a hotel.
Oh for fuck's sake, it's a time-share.
Here we are. Grace.
Grace, this is Lance, my golf instructor.
Lance, this is Grace, our housekeeper.
It is very nice to meet you, Grace. Gloria's told me all about you.
You're American. Yes.
That obvious, huh?
Well, please, don't let me interrupt you.
Oh, sorry.
We were just talking about our next practice session of golf.
Weren't we, Lance? Right, the practice session.
We can talk about it later, though, can't we?
Well, actually, I kinda need to know now.
It can't wait? It's all confirmed.
Well, I have concerns.
What kind of concerns?
I just want to make sure we have the right equipment. The right kit.
I'm not sure we have the right wood.
Hey, you are talking to me here.
You do not have to worry yourself about the wood.
Yes or no, Gloria?
All right.
Okay Good.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Lance.
It's a pleasure to meet you too, Grace.
What, five o'clock? The place?
The usual place?
Okay.
Okay, well, you ladies have a lovely lunch.
He's got a marvelous swing.
Has he?
...I visit two thousand years ago,
I meet this nice Jewish girl...
...and they're still talking about it!
But joking aside it's true.
Two thousand years later and we are still talking about it.
And that's because it's something worth talking about.
Oh, Grace.
These jokes things come alive! They really do.
Excellent. You're doing really well, Vicar.
Thank you. Now...
...have you thought about sex?
Sex?
Yes.
For the convention, or?
The Bible is full of sex haven't you noticed?
The Bible? Yes.
The song of Solomon, for sample.
Ah, no.
Now that is the passionate declaration of love from a devout man to God.
No it's about sex.
Right.
There. You read it again, Reverend.
And I'll make you a cup of tea.
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
...for thy love is better than wine.
His fruit was sweet to my taste.
His left hand is under my head...
...and his right hand doth embrace me.
Behold thou art fair, my love...
Behold...
...thou art fair.
Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet.
Thine eyes are as doves behind the veil.
And comely is thy mouth.
Thy two breasts are like fawns feeding among the lilies.
Thy navel is like a round goblet...
...wherein no mingled wine is wanting...
Thy belly is like a heap of wheat...
...set about with lilies.
Let thy breasts be as clusters on the vine...
...and thy mouth like the best wine.
Open to me, my dove...
...for my head is filled with the drops of the night.
Come, my beloved.
Let us see if the vine flourishes...
...and the tender grapes appear...
...and the pomegranates bud forth.
Showtime.
Come on. Come on to Uncle Lance.
No, don't do... come back, come...
oh, yeah.
Oh my Lord, they're just like little rose petals.
Oh, bingo.
Oh, God, Lance, you're a lucky man. Good evening.
Good evening. Can I help you?
Grace, right? Yes.
Have you seen my wallet? I seem to have dropped it here...
I've got my pen I've got my speech...
...and I'm really rather nervous. Oh, you'll be fine.
And I'll be thinking of you.
Good.
Jesus Christ, you two, put it away.
Bye.
Bye-bye. Bye, dad.
Cheerio, Petey. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Grace.
Forgotten something, darling?
Have you seen Mr. Brown lately?
No, he's in Australia.
I hope the convention goes well. Yes, thank you, Grace.
Goodbye, all.
Reverend Goodfellow!
Reverend Goodfellow. Mrs. Parker.
About the Flower Arranging Committee...
Which I will be happy to talk to you about in a few days, when I'm back.
Oh - I see.
I noticed that your housekeeper was having a great deal of trouble...
...with her car last night. Her car?
Yes.
That's not Grace's car, Mrs. Parker.
It's not?
Oh, that comes as quite a surprise.
I wonder who it belongs to then?
I've seen it there often enough.
At first, I thought it was a taxi.
Well, goodbyes are never easy.
But it's not forever, dear.
Come on.
Hello? It's me.
It's after five, and I'm here and you're not. So...
well, it's funny,
because I only came here to tell you I'm not coming.
But, I guess you beat me to it.
Perhaps you're already there,
with one of those girls you don't know.
Have a nice life, Lance.
Before the break, we were talking about murderers on parole.
Oh, there you are
Dinner's at eight.
He didn't show up then? What?
Your American.
The golf instructor, your practice session.
No, he didn't. He's sick.
The next minute, they're releasing him! Yeah, he called it off.
Which brings us swiftly on to a woman they call
The Trunk Murderer'.
Rosemary Jones, Bill. Now don't get me started on her.
It really is a sorry day in a sad society...
...when someone like the Trunk Murderer's released.
I think we have some pictures. Here she is,
the Trunk Murderer.
So called because they found her husband and his mistress
chopped up in her luggage.
So, there's a lesson for us all.
And now we're up-to-date a month ago, being released from prison. Mum.
The Home Secretary decided
she's no longer a public threat.
Of course she's a threat to the public. Mum, I think you better see this.
You're taking it out of context. Look at her!
Tell me that's not a perfect portrait of pathological psychosis?
The parole board have said she has demonstrated the capacity to change!
No, the point is that she's out, Loose
and among us now!
What are you trying to say? That she's up to her old tricks again?
I didn't say it, it's you
It's a bit exaggerating.
I wouldn't put it past her, Theresa.
Yes, good heated debate live on this show. Time to bring the public in.
Let's bring you in, see what you think. Oh my God.
God Mysterious ways.
I think it's a good title, Reverend Goodfellow.
What, really? I really do. I like it.
Well, thank you. And they'll like it too, I'm sure.
I'm taking a look. It's not the right way to go about it.
Holly!
Have you ever seen inside it? No.
Exactly.
Hang on.
Gloria, dear?
Holly Are you up there?
Shit.
Oh shit.
Hello?
Are you in here?
Well, I don't know where they are.
Please be there, Lance. Who's Lance?
Oh, where is the...
Here we are.
How does this work again? 'Missed call',
press green...
Hello?
This is Grace speaking. Would you like to come out from under the bed?
Coming.
And great to see so many new faces here today.
I know some of you have come a very long way, so thank you.
And some old friends. Morgan.
Great result for the rugby, I thought.
Now, down to the more serious business of the day. Our opening address.
I'd like to introduce the Reverend Walter Goodfellow...
...from the Parish of Little Wallop!
Good evening.
Good evening gentlemen...
Ladies and gentlemen.
It's an honor...
...to deliver the opening address...
...of the convention.
And my subject is Cod's Mysterious ways"
...God's God's Mysterious ways.
I'm sorry, I'm sure that Cod have mysterious ways...
but, it's the mysterious ways of God that I'm talking about this evening.
Cod will just have to wait for their own convention.
...God's Mysterious ways.
I'm so glad we can have this little chat.
What have you done with Lance, Rosemary?
Do you know, I prefer Rosie. Takes me back to my childhood.
What have you done with Lance, Rosie?
Who the hell's Lance?
Yes, well that's that's the question...
...you see, Lance...
...Lance liked to make films.
Can you work this, dear?
Showtime.
Come on to, Uncle Lance.
Who the hell is this guy? I'll kill him!
That won't be necessary, dear.
Oh my Lord. They're just like little rose petals.
What?
Not the type you would have been happy with in the end, dear.
Don't change the subject. You have a dead man in your trunk!
No, he's not in my trunk, dear. He's in his car.
And that wasn�t just any man, was it, Gloria?
That was your lover.
That was your lover?
Well, you've got to understand, Holly, your mother's been very unhappy.
And lonely.
Well, you know, your father well, he's a busy man...
...and along comes this handsome American,
with his accent and his swing.
Not the type I would approve of at all.
You can't kill people just because you don't approve of them!
Do you know, that's what my doctors used to say.
It was the one point we could never agree on.
Anyway, I could see that your affair was ruining the whole family...
...the whole family!
You can't expect me to sit back and do nothing about that, can you?
Yes. It has nothing to do with you! It has everything to do with me!
It's the least a mother can do for her...
...her daughter.
That's something else we need to have a little chat about.
They'd send me photos now and again the nuns.
And this is one of your mother when she was your age.
Wow, mum, you were gorgeous.
Aren't we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies?
How did you know about the other bodies?
What other bodies?
You didn't know about the other bodies.
What other bodies?
Oh, it's just Mr. Brown's dog.
And Mr. Brown.
You killed them, too?
I did it for you, dear.
My mother.
Oh, I've waited so long for you to call me that.
So what do we do now?
And when I'm asked why do Vicars always answer a question..."
...by posing another question? I always reply..."
well, why shouldn't we?
But what, in the end, all this comes down to...
...is how we deal in life with the problems that we have to face.
Sometimes it's a question of just taking action.
Of making decisions, of involving others, of finding your resolve...
...and seeing it through.
But, at other times, it's about something much less tangible.
Sometimes, all it takes a little Grace.
...a little of God's grace...
...and all our problems seem to fade away.
Now, should we demand an explanation from our Lord?
Question His methods?
Or should we merely enjoy the benefits?
Well...
...I don't think the good Lord wants us to question too much.
Isaiah, chapter fifty-five, verse eight.
My ways are not yours ways.
And I think what he basically means by that is...
...I'm mysterious, folks.
Live with it.
Thank you very much thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I can't do it. It's all right.
I didn't chop him up anything grisly like that.
For God's sake. Where are you going?
I'm doing it. But I can't drive.
I'm not getting in the car. But I'm a learner.
Officially I need someone with me.
I think, under the circumstances, the normal rules do not apply.
Grace, wait!
Who is it? Mrs. Parker.
Well, I suppose I'll just have to use the pond again.
Again?
Actually, no. I don't want to know. I'm going to go inside...
...and you just do whatever you have to do.
And I thought being an orphan was a bad thing.
He's stiff.
Oh my, God, he's really stiff!
Holly, do you have to? I've never seen anything like this before.
Oh my God.
Oh my God that's...
Just not fair.
Other daughters get to, you know, plan weddings and bake cakes...
...and go shopping with their mothers. I get to dispose of dead bodies.
I could say the same, you know.
Shall I put the kettle on?
Men have been the downfall of the Jones women...
...for as long as there have been Jones women.
And that's why you have to be careful about the types you bring home,
Wild and dangerous might be appealing now,
but you're on the same road.
So, what? You'd rather I get me a boyfriend like dad?
God, you would, wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with your father.
I knew you were a bitch to him, but I always thought you loved him.
I do love him.
Then what about the lech?
I'm assuming dad doesn't know about him?
Because I don't think he should.
I don't think he should know anything.
Right, Grace?
Mum's the word, dear.
Oh, you're awake. I brought you some tea. Thank you.
Mrs. Parker... Yeah?
Last night, do you think she might have seen something?
No why?
She's on her way over.
Well, that doesn't mean to say she saw anything.
Who? What are you talking about? Mrs. Parker.
Last night she might have seen something.
She did not see anything last night.
She saw you last night?!
No. Possibly.
Oh my God. I'll see to her.
No you won't. You'll stay here.
You've seen to quite enough already!
Oh my God. Just keep calm. Keep calm.
Mrs. Goodfellow.
Did I wake you? Actually, yes.
I was hoping your husband would be home.
I need to speak to him.
No, Mrs. Parker, he's away. He's on a three day convention.
It's about the...
...it's about the Flower Arranging Committee.
...well, you'll have to talk to him, really, not me.
Cynthia Martin has been doing her level best...
...to undermine my leadership.
I believe she's planning a coup.
A coup? Behind my back, yes.
If you don't mind I just need to sit.
Behind my back. And behind the Reverend's back, as well.
It's a disgrace!
I would even go as far as saying...
...it is immoral. And knowing what I know now...
...I don't see how I can keep quiet.
Shit, Grace, I knew it, she knows!
...he will be mortified, I can assure you.
I am going to tell him, Mrs. Goodfellow. Grace, no!
No matter how much damage it does, he must be told.
Well, I'm sure Walter will have a quiet word with Cynthia Martin.
It'll all be sorted out.
But it's not just Mrs. Martin, that's the point.
They've all got their sordid little agendas.
In sixty years, I have never known anything like it.
And in my condition, too. It's really affecting my heart, you know.
I really do wish it didn't have to come to this, but it does.
Your husband must be told. That's quite enough, Mrs. Parker.
Grace, no!
Out of the way, please, dear.
I will not have this family torn apart after all we've been through.
She knows mum. We heard her.
She was gonna tell dad!
About the Flower Arranging Committee!
This has nothing to do with anything else...
Mrs. Parker?
Oh dear.
Mrs. Parker. Can you hear me?
Shit, is she?
Yes, I believe she is.
Oh God, oh God, oh God!
She said herself she had a dicky heart.
You might have a dicky heart.
If someone came at you with a frying pan!
It was a simple misunderstanding. It could happen to anybody.
This cannot go on, mother. I've had enough!
I understand you're upset, dear.
Too right I am! I've got a dead body in my pond and one in my sitting-room.
No, three bodies in the pond. You're forgetting...
No, I do not want to know.
This has gone too far and I mean it!
I understand.
It's not as though anyone's gonna miss her.
Mum dad's back.
Hello?
There we are.
Hello, sweetheart. Hi, dad.
I tell you, I've just had the best...
Shit.
Sorry, I was saying, I've had the best convention.
Hello, everyone.
Mrs. Parker. How are you this morning? Oh, she's fine.
Darling! Oh, I thought it was three days.
Well, it was going to be...
So lovely to see you. Bye, dad.
I want to hear all about it.
Well, I delivered my sermon...
And how did it go? Very well.
I even had them laughing.
But, you know what was really amazing was what happened afterwards.
Because I was getting praise from everybody,
from the council, and from my peers...
...and, you know, and normally
...but do you know what I was thinking? No.
Why am I here?
Well, you've always been a deep thinker. When what matters most to me...
...is back home.
Oh, darling.
So...
...they made love in every room in the house, did they?
Lillian and Brian.
I think we've got some catching up to do.
Ooh, no. I must see to Mrs. Parker.
Oh, gosh, yes. Do you need me?
No, it's the Flower Arranging Committee.
Dear God, that Committee. I swear, it'll be the death of her.
Mrs. Parker's sudden passing came as a dreadful shock to us all.
But, as we well know
God does move in mysterious ways.
Which reminds of a keynote address which I delivered recently...
...of which I think Mrs. Parker would have approved.
Excellent sermon, Reverend Goodfellow.
Thank you, Mr. Antrobus.
Thank you. Goodbye. It was, you know. It was very good.
Reverend Goodfellow. Mrs. Martin.
Could have a talk about the Flower Arranging Committee this week?
No. But, perhaps next week. I'll let you know.
Oh... very well.
Goodbye. Thank you.
Who is it?
It's me. Oh, come in.
I think this is for the best. Don't you?
My dearest Gloria.
It was a slice of heaven to finally meet you, my dear.
You have made a mad old woman a very happy mad old woman.
I'll miss you and your beautiful family.
But I'll be visiting. Just you try and stop me.
Love to you all
Mother.
Dear mother how many months has it been now?
Two? Three? Four?
Yet still we talk about you all the time.
We're looking forward to you visit.
Lots planned for the whole family.
So what's new and exciting here in Little wallop you may ask.
Holly's got a new boyfriend.
And she told me that you're be pleased with her choice.
He's not like the others.
I actually believe he might be a calming influence on her.
And Petey's doing very well. Bye, Petey.
Turning into quite a confident young man.
Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman
...a vicar, a rabbi and a priest all walk into a pub...
...and the barman looks up and says
what is this, some kind of joke?
Walter's a changed man, too.
I'd even go so far as to say that our life here together is complete.
Matters arising, 3A - the altar.
I'm by his side in all the ways he needs.
Just like he's by mine...
...in all the ways I need.
Mrs. Parker felt not enough was being done...
...to this part of the railings inside the church building.
Whilst too much is covered of the front porch. I'd like to continue...
By the time you read this, you'll have arrived at your new job.
Good luck. I hope there are no hitches.
But something tells me,
wherever you are, you'll do just fine.
We've come round in person, to discuss with you some...
...rather disturbing developments.
If I can help in any way?
It's not good news, I'm afraid.
Well, it's not very... Darling, you remember Bob and Ted?
I'm afraid it's as we feared.
The pond...
...algae. Blue-green algae.
Blue-green algae. Which, apparently, is quite serious.
It's very serious. Very serious.
Very serious. So we're just discussing the options.
As I explained to the Reverend,
your pond is in the water table.
So the algae doesn't only affect you, it affects the whole village.
And the blue-green algae is one of the worst you can get.
So there's really just the one option, actually.
Yes, as he says, really, there's just the...
...just the one option.
Which is?
Drain it.
Shall I put the kettle on?
So, between you and us, I'd say life is good, very good indeed.
No, dramas, no crises,
it just ambles along on it's quiet, merry way...
...a couple of hiccups here and there, of course.
Like the pond. Which, now they tell us, needs draining.
It's a bit of a fuss, as you can imagine.
But I'm sure we'll sort something out.
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
...for thy love is better than wine.
His fruit was sweet to my taste.
His left hand is under my head...
...and his right hand doth embrace me.
Behold thou art fair, my love...
Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet.
Thine eyes are as doves behind the veil.
...and thy mouth like the best wine.
Open to me, my dove...